My son is away this week with his dad, what this means for me is I am child free for 9 days.
9 WHOLE DAYS.
I have the privilege of having this time at least once a year and specifically during the summer holidays. I can always tell when the time is approaching because my life feels very much like its running off without me, things fall through the cracks and I spend a lot of time beating myself up.
This year has been no exception, in fact I’d say its been worse in some ways as for the first time in years I’m really trying to build a life for myself and not just survive the one handed to me. This has meant I am at my laptop constantly, writing, scheduling, editing – all the things and its left me utterly fulfilled and exhausted, couple that with parenting a pre-teen and remembering that my needs are valid – its been a lot.
He went on Friday and honestly, I feel like just before he went I broke, like, if I was a car all my wheels just fell of, springs fell out and the engine was grinding sparks of the tarmac. I wish I could say the tire’s blew out because it sounds so much more dramatic but honestly, it was a slow grinding halt.
As a consequence yesterday felt like it didn’t happen. I did do something for myself yesterday before I slept though and that was to turn off all my alarms and just let my body rest, which is a luxury of the highest order, like keep your Ferrero Rocher’s , I’ll take feeling rested.
I woke up a couple of times during the night but mostly I just slept and at 11am (or there abouts) this morning I woke. I normally don’t enjoy a lay in, I alwyas feel like I’m on the back foot if I wake up after 6am but not today.
Today has been a dream , my brain is naturally fragmented and also laser focused. So I have so many ideas and projects that I’m either doing or want to be doing that it can often feel like I’ll die of indecision before I achieve anything and when I do focus on one thing, my brain either focuses so hard I neglect everything else or it keeps reminding me there is an everything else that needs to be seen to. So today I have given myself the permission to procrastinate and its been heavenly.
For example I was tidying my room earlier (because I’m a 13 year old) and I came across a t-shirt that I’ve been ‘meaning’ to go over the lettering on for months. I stopped what I was doing and painted the letters back on and it may have been a small thing but it was so lovely.
Also I was working on a project and the rain started and I have never sprinted to get out in the world so fast, having crippling levels of social anxiety, a lot of the time I really struggle with leaving my house – at all, so the freedom I felt running into the rain like a toddler in their brand new wellies was incredible.
The biggest luxury for me though is mental space, my brain is a wonderful bastard. It loves me one minute and is trying to kill me the next, so its not always the easiest of relationships. One of the things that really frustrate me about my brain though is how it doesn’t do, deep thinking, more accurately deep creative thinking in the presence of others. So to have this time to properly look at everything and plan feels incredible.
But not today.
Today is procrastination day, it’s following the tiny threads and running in the rain,
Until next time,
go splash in some puddles and waste time.
Mastress of None 