Mastress of None

Hey,

I’m Samantha, but all my friends call me “Sam.”

All my friends?

Jesus, that makes me sound so up my own arse, like I have a plethora of pals, a smorgasbord of sidekicks, ready for me to turn up and be the life and soul of the party. The idea of me turning up to a party is laughable and that’s before the world went all 28 Delays Later.

No, I have a handful of hombres – my god that sounds so try hard.

Let me start again.

Hey,

I’m Sam. I know people.

Oh, good God no.

Hi?

Hello?

Sup? Absolutely not. Fuck me, why can I not start a simple God damn sentence?

To whom it may concern,

My name is Sam. I have friends, honestly, I know people. My name is also Samantha and I have a child. I also have a dog and I do the writing and the talking and sometimes I speak aloud the writing I’ve done. Poems. They are called poems.

What am I trying to achieve?

Wow, what a question. I mean, what does anybody want to achieve in their lives really? What are any of us looking for? Love, a home, someone to accept me completely for who I am, even if my second toe is longer than my big toe – it’s a sign of intelligence, Mum. God, you don’t have to keep pointing it out, you’ll give me a complex.

Oh, what am I trying to achieve by writing this?

Yeah, that makes more sense.

 I was advised to write an introduction post, kind of a ‘get to know’ kind of thing so people could get a taste of who I am. Not like a taste, you know with their tongues – eww gross, why would I even think that? I don’t want strangers licking me… well, depending on the stranger….

Sorry, tangent.

Hi, I’m Sam. I have no clue what I’m doing and I effortlessly make it look like exactly that. Which is why I so brilliantly and completely originally (it was all my idea) thought up the name, Mastress of None – fits, no?

So, welcome to my internet home place, where I can show you digital thingies on your palm pilots and Blackberries. I know tech.

I’m very excited to have you here!

Also, anxious, but my therapist tells me that excitement and anxiety are the same chemicals, we just label them differently due to context and if that is in fact true and she wasn’t just humouring me to get me out of her office, then I am SO excited, all the excited, so much so that I may have a full-blown excitement attack.

So, here we are, and I do hope you enjoy your stay.

Enjoy your stay?

Really, Sam?!