I have been thinking a lot about this recently, if you follow me on IG *cough* @mastressofnone *cough* you will have seen me discuss this on my stories. My mental health has felt very, to use the technical term, recognised in the medical community – squiffy. That is to say one minute, I’m fine, I’m good, it’s all gravy baby and the next I’m reaching for the paper bag to deep breathe into. Now, my mental health is very yo-yo happy at the best of times but on top of the above mentioned clusterfuck, I have noticed a return of some old demons.
- General feeling of disease
- Waking up with heavy shame
- Anxiety peaking a lot more and with more intensity
- Insomnia is at its most productive
- General feelings of irritability, overwhelm and sensory overload
- My Bourne like vigilance
In the UK, lockdown measures are easing, so you can meet people outdoors, go to the pub (in the beer garden), non-essential shops are back etc and I noticed that the closer the world got to ’normal’ the less I felt I had a place in it. Yeah, turns out they are linked – who’d have thunk it?
Before we all walked around smelling our own breath and making weird mouth shapes cos no one could see them – I didn’t do a lot of ‘normal’ stuff, my life was basically lockdown already. I went out when necessary, I had a small support bubble and I tried not to make unnecessary trips, or leave my area. My mental health saw to it and even though I have dedicated my life’s work to me being around, each step in the right direction takes so much time, effort – a constant cycle of trial and error. In short, I hadn’t yet tackled my crippling social anxiety. Then lockdown happened and the weirdest thing came from it – I started to feel a little more normal. The world was known living like me and what the easing has proven is, the world didn’t want to. People are excited about going out, making plans, returning to their life’s and for me there is no return, I never left.
So, it makes sense I would feel this way, I’m becoming an outlier again, the world is separating themselves and its tough. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we are heading in the right direction in regard to Covid but Id be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult for me to see the world return to their normal, because it just further underlines how not normal I am.
I know I am not the only one, I had a lot of my friend reach out over DM and say, ‘OMG same’, so if you too are struggling with people’s joy of not having to live like you have to for your wellbeing, if you are jealous of peoples ease at returning or making plans, you are not alone. I am here- wanna talk drop me a dm or leave a comment, us non normal gotta stick together.
I’m weird, I like being weird. It is a compliment in my house to be labelled as such – so if you are weird to, whether you are happy about it or not and you feel like you have lost your belonging with the slow return to normal, just know that in the school cafeteria of life, you will always have a seat at my table.
Mastress of None 