DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS IN FUN, I AM STILL NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL AND IF SOME OR ANY OF THE THINGS BELOW WORK FOR YOU THEN THAT’S FANTASTIC, YAY.
It’s fathers day here in the UK and this day can sometimes be a little difficult for me due to the fact that my father is, to put it politely ‘Not the best.’ So when I woke up this morning I felt a lot of things and my mental illnesses were out in full force. That’s when I remembered a post that my friend (I told you I had friends) shared with me on Instagram earlier this week entitled, ‘Mental Health Advice that will Probably Cure You Instantly’
It’s a gallows humor type posts, making light of the naive and often well meaning but entirely unhelpful advice mental illness suffers receive A LOT. Otherwise known as my jimmity-jam and it made me laugh hard, so I thought, you know what?
I’m going to test out some of the most common ‘advice’ and see how cured I am afterwards
. Now before we start I’d like to :
- Direct you again to my disclaimer
- Re-affirm that while yes, a lot of these can be helpful as complimentary, homeopathic options to professional treatment and medication, they are not usually offered up in that way. They are usually presented to you as a miraculous cure or as a, ‘Have you tried [insert the thing that as a chronic sufferer of mental illness of course Iv’e fucking tried Linda]
- This is supposed to be a light, fun post to make you giggle, so keep your panties on and your heckles down.
HAVE YOU TRIED… GOING FOR A WALK?
Oh this is a popular one! Also often thrown in with, you should exercise – it’ll make you feel better. Exercise of course does release endorphins which do make you feel good in the short term, so wonderful advice, especially as most people who struggle with the most commonly diagnosed mental illnesses anxiety and depression, find it super easy to get up in the morning and then go outside…
In the name of science and finding the cure, I put on my sneakers and took my little pug for his walk.
Before the Walk: I was feeling a bit agitated and pretty anxious.
The Walk:
After the walk: It felt ok to be out until I realised that me and nature have something in common, we are both trying to survive people. There were a fair few of ’em about and that didn’t feel so good. I did see a huskey and horses though, so that was nice.
Cured? No mate.
HAVE YOU TRIED… HAVING A GLASS OF WATER?
Do you know what? I have tried drinking a glass of water but maybe the problem is that I haven’t drunk enough water?
Before my water: I felt annoyed that the walk hadn’t cured me.
Drinking the Water:
After the Water: I like water. Not as a cure for my madness though, it did dick all. I once almost drowned and I’m here to tell you trying to drink 2.2ltrs in one go is not a smart move – for anyone but especially if you have water related trauma…
Cured? No but I am bloated.
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED… ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD
People say this.
With a straight face.
Before considering its all in my head: Annoyed, bloated, powerful need to pee…
Considering its all in my head:
After consideration: Annoyed, twice. Bloated, still need to pee.
Cured: On consideration, obviously fucking not.
Have you tried… Owning a journal?
Like, just owning one? Or am I writing in it too?
Before I tried owning a journal: Annoyed, bloated, still gotta pee and confused by this one
Owning a journal:
After owning a journal: Kinda confused and irritated, like, if you are going to give me a confusing cure, I need the instructions to go with. Also, I’m still annoyed x2, bloated and for some reason still have not pee’d
Cured? If your definition of cured is to feel the exact same and still have all your diagnosis then…. sure.
Have you tried… finding Jesus?
I’m not a religious person, so I never felt the need to go looking for Jesus but, I’ll give it a shot if it could cure me.
Before trying to find Jesus: Still real confused and irritated, annoyed x2, hella bloated, need to pee reaching critical levels. A touch excited about try to find Jesus…
Trying to find Jesus:
After trying to find Jesus: I’m not gonna lie, I love a bit of hide and seek but Jesus is a lot better at hiding than I am and I just couldn’t find him, so I started to feel a bit sad BUT finding Wally helped a bit.
Cured? Nope, despite Wally’s best efforts.
Have you tried… not having mental illnesses?
This one gets as much effort as it deserves
So, there you have it. They didn’t work. I’m as shocked, gobsmacked and flabbergasted as you are. I’m sure I’ve missed a ton out but a girl can only handle so much disappointment in one day and I REALLY HAVE TO PEE!!!
Until next time,
Maybe take peoples cures with a pinch of salt (not literal salt)
Mastress of None 