What just happened?

Do you ever have one of those weeks were you just think to yourself, what in the name of the ever loving Goddess Christina Aguilera, just happened?

Like, you know it happened because you just lived through it, stumbled through, nay crawled on your belly over shark infested barbed wire (it’s a thing) but you still can’t quite believe it happened?

Yeah, well that was my week. Its been a pic’n’mix of pain, joy and WTF?!

So, here for your entertainment, because whats the point of life if you can’t mine it for content, in no particular order, are the *heavy air quotes* highlights of my week…

I’m too old for this shit… shit being stairs.

So I have a running joke with my friends about after thirty there never being an exciting reason for an injury. When I was younger, there was always some fun, embarrassing or straight up bizarre reason for hurting myself – like that one time I was on tour as Velma in Scooby Doo and I was so delirious from exhaustion and cabin fever that I ran through a field at full speed because, and I shit you not, I thought I could get to Narnia.

Two trees had grown in such a way that they looked like they made a portal and in my lessened state I believed, with upmost conviction that that was in fact a portal to Narnia. I’m pretty sure I actually called, ‘I’m coming Aslan’ at one point.

In my stupor to meet the great lion and have a spot of tea with Mr Tumnus, I neglected to not the ditch running through the field (in my defense it is was grown over and easy to miss and I’m sticking to that) i saw it just as I was about to run into it and I leapt with the grace of a wounded blob fish over this ditch. I cleared it. mostly, my right angle landed on a decline and was not expecting to do so and as the body is want to do in such strenuous situations, it broke, well ripped actually. Not that that stopped me, I ran on an very badly hurt ankle, got to the portal and ran through. In case you were wondering, it turned out not to be a gateway to Aslan but I did get a lovely pair of NHS crutches as a consolation prize.

The point of the story is, shit like that doesn’t happen much anymore, as was proven this week when I twisted my knee by, wait for it… walking normally up the stairs. Just Walking. Normally. Up the stairs. So that’s when I turn to this joke I have with my friends, which is this, if you injure yourself doing something normal at normal speed. normally. then you need to make up a story that paints you as a sympathetic yet valiant hero who rescued something and in the course of events, you hurt yourself – of course this injury was sustained ensuring the safety of your poor defenseless, whatever. Now puppies and kittens are always a good bet, any baby animal really, of course you could o for babies or kids but its risky, a rescue of that sort is often article worthy and the suspicious lack of ink on your heroism might cause people to doubt your entirely fake but completely plausible story.

So, it’d go something like this:

Human that’s not me: Oh, no Sam, how did you hurt your knee?

Me: Well, I was walking home yesterday after giving blood and I thought to myself, ‘Sam’ I thought, why not take a different route home – which is very unlike me as you know, I want the quickest route back to my coach and away from humanity as possible

Human that’s not me: nods

Me: But, there was just something telling me to go through the park and by the river. Anyway I did and as I was walking past the wildflowers I heard a faint high pitch noise. I thought it might be my phone at first because I was waiting for a call about volunteering for NSPCC but as I walked it it was getting louder.

I followed the noise and there, stuck under a fallen tree was a three legged beagle puppy – no owner in sight. Of course I did what anyone would have done, I raced over and checked the puppy’s vitals with my emergency kit I keep for things like this, just the basics y’know – a syringe of sugar water and a teaspoon in case I see a dying bee, gauze, iodine, stethoscope, thermometer, your basic meds and a blood pressure cuff – nothing fancy, The poor thing was howling now and its heart beat was elevated. There was no one else around so I did the only thing I could, the only option afforded to me. I lifted the tree off that poor three legged puppy and in my haste, I must not have braced properly because I twisted my knee. I mean I kept lifting the tree of course, adrenaline is a wonderful thing. Anyway the three legged puppy was freed and it was only after I put the trunk down I saw that the poor thing couldn’t see. So I held it close to my heart and kept it warm, to stave off shock and I got my portable micro chip reader out and luckily the pup had been chipped and I rang the owner, who was a very sweet Army Veteran called Timothy. He explained to me that his daughter had always wanted a dog and now he was finally finished with active duty he was in the position to grant that wish. He told me she was always so scared he wouldn’t come back from oversea’s and now finally here I am and the puppy goes missing after three days.

Then he offered to drive me to a&e were the Dr told me a lesser woman would have ripped her ACL but thankfully my natural strength just caused it to be a sprain.

Human that isn’t me: Oh my god! You are a hero

Me: I just did what anyone would have.

You see how that sounds so much better that, I was walking up the stairs. the end.

So I have been out of commission, mobility wise most of this week, so the timing couldn’t have been better for my son to get a very large, very red and itchy rash over most of his body…

My son gets a rash

Now the important thing you need to know of the bat is that my son is not a fan of school, well that’s like saying North Korea enjoys its privacy. Anyway the point is, I’m used to screening claims of illness in the morning, so at first I thought it was the latest on the long line of ‘Miles tries to get out of school’ tales. But the I saw the back of his legs and thought, ‘Oh FUCK’ very loudly while trying to keep a calm exterior. He is fine by the way, an allergic reaction according to the Dr that looked at photos of him after talking to me on the phone… but this caused a problem, I couldn’t walk and Miles needed Meds. I called round everyone I could think of that might be able to help but no one was answering. So in the end I had to Uber a very small distance, collect his prescription and get the bus back. While I was on the way to the bus stop, everyone and i do mean everyone I had called me back. So I was stood balancing on one leg. bag of medicine in one hand phone in the other, repeating the same thing about 10 times all while trying to get onto a bus with a leg that refused to bend.

It’s not all been bad, there’s been weird parts as well…

Like for instance me witnessing a woman walking an English goose. Walking it. Like it was a dog. No, I don’t think you heard me – she was walking it. She had a pink harness on it with fairy wings – which is weird when you think about it considering the goose can already fly without pity wings. So yeah I saw someone walking (i assume) their goose in a harness and lead….

Payed for my sons music workshop at school, finally and it was being held this week, on which day do you think? That’s right, get yourself a cookie, the day miles turned into an itchy dot to dot… so that was a waste of my resources (money, I mean money, I just wanted to sound fancy)

Insomnia flare up…

So, as my legs been holding me back I have had to drain my bank account into Ubers this week. I had a driver I’ve had a few times before. He remembered I am writing a book and asked what it was about. When I told him about a goddess getting kidnapped, he told me part of his real life story of being held for ransom by the Taliban – the actual fucking Taliban and honestly I’ve never been as shook by a persons story in my life. I’m hoping to interview him properly if he remains comfortable with the idea

My Uber driver was kidnapped by the Taliban…

trying o get to sleep that past week has been near impossible and as a result I have the lines, ‘Is this the real life….is this just fantasy’ rolling around in my head while trying to function at a bare minimum but still getting stuff done level.

On a happy note …

I’ve been experimenting with digital art (if you wanna see me, just hop on over to my shiny new gallery page – but like give me a few, I gotta make the thing first

That about sums it up. I mean there have been lots of tiny things throughout the week that don’t merit talking about here but yeah, its been a bloody weird ol’ week!

Until next time,

Avoid stupid trees pretending to be portals